I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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