After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
