you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
