Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Randomize