there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Randomize
