I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
