Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
