Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
