My hand turned me down
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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