yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
