In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
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