i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
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