Just fell off a train. Bad.
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
