I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
