My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
