Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Randomize
