I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Randomize
