if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
