Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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