the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
