Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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