A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
I can text with my tongue
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Randomize
