Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Randomize