im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Randomize
