Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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