obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Randomize
