so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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