Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I stole a fireplace last night.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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