I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
