If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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