I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
zippers are such a cool invention
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
