my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
