just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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