Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
two words: eviction party
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
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