I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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