I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
