You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Randomize
