he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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