I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize