Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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