I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
