dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Randomize
