I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Randomize
