I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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