I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize