I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
