You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
