I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
