can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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