A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
