how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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