thus making me awesome and them whores
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Pants are for mortals
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
