Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
