i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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