Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
