haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Randomize
