I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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